Almost Full Circle

I was reconnecting with the people in my address book to invite them to view my blog when one of them said that I should get ready to ward off and scrutinize suitors to my daughter, Isabella. I amicably responded that I haven't entertained the thought (and not quite ready to) - as Isabella's barely three months old.

When I went to bed that night, the same conversation played in my head and I thought that Isabella will eventually grow up and someday, she will have friends, boyfriends, begin dating, etc... Then images of my own experiences came into my mind --- discovering boys at 14 (a.k.a. batting eyelashes with matching smiling a-la-Dalagang Pilipina at them), getting to know boys at 15 (a.k.a. talking for hours and hours on the phone from dusk till dawn especially during summer or if it’s brownout), having boyfriends before 16 (ok, this is self-explanatory!).

Then I walked some more down memory lane. I remember sneaking out, lying, making excuses just to be able to go out with my friends and yes, with the not-so-hidden agenda to meet boys. Some of the classic excuses include working on projects at a friend’s house, group study somewhere, using the computer at somebody’s house, practice for this and that… And in times of desperation, sneaking out of school and cutting classes. And then of course the series of birthdays. “Ma, it’s Marie’s birthday…” and she would answer, “again??” In most cases, I went scot-free, albeit I lied to be able to go.

As time went by, asking for permission from my parents to go out got a little easier. When I started working, I almost didn’t ask for their permission anymore, it was more of letting them know where I’ll be at and with whom.

Looking back, I am not exactly proud that I had to lie to be able to go out. I think it’s pretty normal or even expected for people around that age to “act up”. However I think it’s also because of the kind of relationship with my parents I had growing up. I come from a family where both my parents had to work to support us. After all, there were four of us that they needed to send to college. I say this with a lot of love, we didn’t have enough time together to get to know each other that well (much more our friends). So obviously, even if they trusted us, they didn’t know the people around us. I heard this line a lot of times growing up, (especially when they say no you can’t go out) - “It’s not that I don’t trust you. It’s the people around you that I do not trust.”

My relationship with my parents got better as I grew older. They were both retired when I had to work nights and almost always, we had lunch together. It was very uncomfortable at first, when they had a lot of time on their hands – trying to get into a routine after retirement. Suffice it to say, they spent a lot of it getting to know us all over again. I became more honest, more open and in turn, they were more accepting and trusting. I really think that the key to our more-improved relationship was the gift of time. Time spent with each other allowed us to listen, share, accept, grow and love. Now we have the time to talk about our experiences, dreams and what-not. Now I can say I am really seeing things in their perspective, seeing their point, after having joined the league of parenthood.

I know it’s only a matter of time before I will say to Isabella “it’s not that I don’t trust you. It’s the people around you that I do not trust”, but I do have the opportunity to spend time with her to watch her grow and get to know her as a person. I do not know if I will be as accepting or as trusting as my parents were or as I would like to be – I still have some good years ahead of me to figure it out – but for now, I am grateful that I have come almost full circle.

My New Normal

A quick look at the cell phone time display, 930p. Five more minutes, I say. Then I get up, almost half an hour later. Shoots, I have to meet with Arjay about the conversion scores. We seriously need to keep it moving in that upward trend. The team can definitely play against the key players in the sales business. I think last week's numbers are making 'em sweat - given that we just launched. Oh well, let 'em break it out! With a smile on my face, I eat my dinner while tuning in on the telenovela the agents are talking about. An hour later, I arrive at the office and check my email. I couldn't concentrate as much because I can hear Arjay yelling and screaming from his office. I sent a YM to Anton: Pssst... I think Arjay might have a heart attack... He's angry again... LOL! Then Arjay pops his head out of his office and scowls to me, okay Guia. We'd better talk. NOW! The look on his face made me nervous. So I get up, fast. He invites me to sit and asks about Sales' numbers. I gave him a rundown and he didn't seem pleased or the other way around. He looked pensive and then he dropped the bomb. I need your help. I want you to handle Sales and ECT. I need you to steer ECT in the direction the clients want. They're not very happy right now. I need you to make them happy. Very happy. Arjay wasn't done talking and the words were out of my mouth before I realized it... Are you kidding me!?! You know we just launched Sales and our conversion is not as consistent as we'd like. I am not done yet with that project! Arjay goes, I know. I just really need your help with ECT right now and I mean RIGHT NOW. So I respond, look, I really want to help but I can't handle both. ECT's probably the most complicated group there is (apart from the elite CSAs) and there's too much on my plate with Sales. Then he says, okay, handle ECT. After some prodding and some bargaining, I get out of his office with a new mission: make ECT clients happy.

Feeling that I was treading on unchartered territories, I needed not some, but a whole lot of ammunition to make sure that I am able to accomplish my goal. With empty posts to be filled, I had the golden opportunity to bring in folks that I believe could help steer the team in the right direction. Arjay said I could take one - just one, he emphasized - from the supervisory pool from the other team. Naturally, I asked one of the strongest (if not the strongest) supervisors to join me but it turned out that I wasn't gonna get any Sunshine my way. She turned me down and later she got promoted as a Manager (good for her!). Instead, I turned my cheek and got me a cheerleader, a family man and Mr. Customer Service. So that started the ball rolling.

While I was probably far from meeting the ultimate goal, I have achieved some level of success in this project. In one of our scheduled conference calls with the client, I particularly dreaded dialling in that day because our numbers were off target. At a time like this, my mantra has always been please no hot seat today. Please, please no hot seat, please, please no talk on CSAT! God please, no Erik (the main man), too. I hold my breath and concentrate on my mantra. Hello? Anybody there? Silence. Okay, so far, so good. Please, please no hotseat, please, please no talk on CSAT! Then a click. Hey, Guia? It's Erik. I'd love to stay on the call with Martin and Scott but I have another meeting to go to so I'll catch up with you on Friday. I remember thinking, it truly is a powerful mantra. Thank God for small victories (however empty they may be!). I'll be there in person... Leave your calendar open, if you can! I am flying in to finally meet you and see the team again. What?!? Erik's flying in all the way from Seattle to Manila to meet me??? I dont recall how the rest of the meeting went - as Martin and Scott's words droned on after Erik made the announcement. Neither do I recall how I broke the news to Arjay. He probably took it smoothly, as I dont remember making any trips to the emergency room!

Prepping up for that encounter was difficult. My 90-day plan was revised at least ten times. I knew it was not a regular social call. It clearly was an important visit - not only for me, but for the team and the company as well. I literally only had a couple of hours to make a good and lasting impression on a client who's jet-lagged and dog-tired. This man meant business and of course, expected results. He needed to see it with his eyes how the team is managed and how we plan to move forward and meet our goals.

Then that Friday came. It was now a blur as it all happened a little too fast. We met, shook hands and I remember offering him coffee and we ended up conducting business in Starbucks. We discussed the plan, he gave his comments and he met the team and of course, Arjay and Tim. Before I noticed it, it was time for him to leave.

After the meeting, like any other nerve-wracking episode in my career, I phone Anton and she agrees to meet with me at Starbucks. I take Tito Archie with me and then of course, Noel and Rui also come down - ready to hear about the client visit and our daily dose of vitamin C and the usual banter. Comparing clients, talking about bosses that amaze or dismay you, gossiping about who's doing who and who's cheating on whom, planning for the weekend and sometimes taking sides on personal issues. Then we glance at the car entrance/exit and Madam's car pulls up. He waves at us and parks his car and joins us. He goes, Oh my God! I am so tired. Ready to take my beauty sleep. Almost everyone would retort back, Madam, please, embrace the fact that you belong to the Graveyard shift. Hahaha! a-la Cruella De Vil. Then Madam would just simple brush it off and say, of course not! I merely extended for a meeting... Hahaha! He has been saying that to the group for as long as I can remember. I would have to say, venting off, catching up and bickering at each other is the best part of any work day.

I don't hear from the client until the following week. The feedback was overwhelming and touching. For the first time in a long while, I felt really good and his words were a strong reminder of why I was there and why I stayed for a good, long seven years.

Now I have a new mission. A new boss. A new life.

I lead a very different life from the one I led almost two years ago. With the new honcho, I am literally at her beck and call. She only needed to take one look at me or make the faintest sound and I scurry to my feet and rush to her side almost immediately. My hours are long and seemingly endless. Her demands are high. I dont pick the time when I could take a break - nor am I allowed to argue or reason with her. Hold on or one second or wait is not in her vocabulary. She does not take no for an answer and there's absolutely no if's or but's. What she wants, she definitely gets. And the most ironic thing of all is I want to be by her side even at her worst day.

She is Isabella. She is my daughter, my miracle and my hope.

What you'll read below (a forwarded literature) is probably one of the best ways to describe my new normal. I used to belong in the corporate world and now I know exactly where and what I really want to be.

Before I was a Mom, I never tripped over toys or forgot words to a lullaby. I didn't worry whether or not my plants were poisonous. I never thought about immunizations.

Before I was a Mom, I had never been puked on. Pooped on. Chewed on. Peed on. I had complete control of my mind and my thoughts. I slept all night.

Before I was a Mom, I never held down a screaming child so doctors could do tests. Or give shots. I never looked into teary eyes and cried. I never got gloriously happy over a simple grin. I never sat up late hours at night watching a baby sleep.

Before I was a Mom, I never held a sleeping baby just because I didn't want to put her down. I never felt my heart break into a million pieces when I couldn't stop the hurt.! I never knew that something so small could affect my life so much. I never knew that I could love someone so much. I never knew I would love being a Mom.

Before I was a Mom, I didn't know the feeling of having my heart outside my body.. I didn't know how special it could feel to feed a hungry baby. I didn't know that bond between a mother and her child. I didn't know that something so small could make me feel so important and happy.

Before I was a Mom, I had never gotten up in the middle of the night every 10 minutes to make sure all was okay. I had never known the warmth, the joy, the love, the heartache, the wonderment or the satisfaction of being a Mom. I didn't know I was capable of feeling so much, before I was a Mom .